HULK CUPCAKES (INSERT HOMER SIMPSON DROOL SOUND HERE)

ITEM! While we’re on the subject of Ol’ Greenskin, Val “Occasional Superheroine” D’Orazio’s always gregarious Cool Aggregator blog has a great post up on the Top 10 Weird Hulk Toys. Wouldja believe that the Hulk Cupcake (pictured at right) only came in #4 on the list? I mean what is that thing anyway... guacamole flavored with brocoli frosting? Maybe if you keep it refrigerated long enough, it eventually calms down into a nice, vanilla Bruce Banner cupcake... Yeesh! Go check out the rest of the list at Val's site! Tell 'em Smiley sent yah!

Excelsior!

Smiley

HULK ONLINE FOOTAGE STILL M.I.A.

ITEM! You read the headline right, pilgrims... and your Uncle Stan has no earthly idea why the exciting Captain America cameo excised from The Incredible Hulk movie still has not shown up online (as both Louis Leterrier and the studio promised). I think the suits are still arguing over how posting the footage online will improbably impact future DVD sales. Since A.I.M. stand for Advanced Idea Mechanics, maybe in this case M.I.A. stands for Mercantile Ideas Advancement...

Still, to tide you Frantic Ones over in the meantime, here’s a nifty li'l preview of the upcoming direct-to-DVD Hulk Vs. Wolverine animated movie, slated for a January 2009 release. Note the timely tributes to both Wolverine’s original introduction to Marvelites everywhere in Hulk #181 (Nov. 1974, natch) and to Todd “MacMillionaire” MacFarlane’s classic Hulk #340 cover (Feb. 1988, ...and whatta yah reading these nutty footnotes for anyway... go get these puppies if you don’t already own one!). And if you can't wait until January 2009 for this one, sunshine... come join Yours Truly for the screening at Comic Con in San Diego in a couple of weeks! Enjoy!

Excelsior!

Smiley

SECRET INVASION #4: THE BUTLER DID IT!

ITEM! Well we warned yah, Marvelites. When Joltin’ Jim reviews a comic, he doesn’t pull any premeditated punches! That’s part of what made him such a great editor at the 4-5 companies he once worked for. I just wanted to add my own two sense and say that I’m still campaigning Brian Michael Bendis to reveal Aunt May as a Skrull agent. I know, I know... that may sound kinda corny to some, but it’s not any cornier than revealing that the butler did it... which is exactly what happened in Secret Invasion’s #3 and #4, as the Avengers’ gentleman’s gentleman Jarvis delivered the Skrull’s surrender ultimatum one whole downed SHIELD carrier. What’s next? Colonel Fury did it in the Library with the Candlestick? But I kid, I kid. Still, dont’cha think Aunt May would make a great reveal as a Super Skrull with all of the combined powers of her Tuesday Night Bridge Club? No? How ‘bout postal carrier Willie Lumpkin as a Skrull? I could reprise my cameo as Willie in the next Merry Marvel Movie! Or it could be revealed that Millie the Model was laying the groundwork for a Skrull invasion way back in the 60s! The mind boggles! Yah know, I really should be writing this series...

Excelsior!

Smiley

SECRET INVASION VS. SECRET WARS: TO PLOT, OR NOT TO PLOT

Welcome to The Hype Box, and thanks to the Smilin’ One for allowing me this opportunity to both dip my toes into the blogosphere and to write publicly about the state of the art in comics today. My respect for the Man know no bounds, and as I once told Steve Englehart, in many ways Stan is the father of us all. Thanks, Stan. And without further ado, on with the show...

July brings us issue #4 of Joe Queseda’s and Brian Michael Bendis’ bastard summer crossover love-child, Secret Invasion. When the best thing you can say about this series is that at least it’s better than Final Crisis, you’ve still probably set reader expectations a little too high. I’m not even going to get into the ridiculous plot-holes that wouldn’t have even passed muster back in Stan’s day — he’s covered all of that quite well here and here and here. I’m going to compare and contrast it with the Gold Standard of all cross-over comics, my own Secret Wars. Let’s keep it simple and just start with this month cover, shall we? Secret Wars #4 (Aug. 1984) may not have been the best art directed cover in the history of comics (we were going for high-concept with the whole Molecule Man dropping a mountain on the Hulk and him holding it up), but you know what we didn’t do? We didn’t let the cover artist obscure so much of the title logo that you couldn’t even read it!

I'd critique Bendis’ plot... but there really isn’t one to critique, is there? If this story had been discussed with artist Leinil Francis Yu “Marvel Style,” the conversation would’ve gone something like, “In this ish we touch back on Reed — he’s still captured. We touch back on the exploded SWORD orbital HQ, which is still exploded. We touch back on the Super Skrull invasion of New York which Nick Fury showed up at with his forces last ish, and they still show up..." Well, you get the idea. It’s decompressed storytelling at it’s finest, and by decompressed storytelling I mean listless, lazy-ass storytelling that feigns realism with maudlin character moments as a substitute for actual plot development. There's about one-third of one issue’s worth of Secret Wars plot development stretched out over the course of the first four issues of Secret Invasion, with no sign of the pace picking up anytime soon. I swear reading this issue was like watching a Will Ferrel movie; it’s 15 minutes of my life I’m never getting back and I feel like my IQ just dropped 10 points.

And how exactly is a reader supposed to enjoy the torment of the heroes never knowing who’s a Skrull when even the readers aren’t given enough information to tell shape-changing head from shape-changing toe? That’s not creating suspense, Bendis, that’s called creating story confusion.

That’s enough for this blog, dear reader. Take my advice and don’t encourage these guys by giving them your hard-earned $3.99 a month. Save that money and after eight more months you can buy half a tank of gas with it and use that to drive to the comic shop and thumb through the trade paperback. You’ll get the whole story in about 3 minutes’ time, which is just about what it deserves.

Take Care,

Shooter

GOOD ADVICE 101: DON'T TRADE YOUR HOT WIFE TO MEPHISTO

ITEM! Hoo Boy! I saw this and laughed until St. John’s Wort came out my nose! For those Marvelites unfamiliar with the titanically talented Mr. Fred Chao, by all means go to his website and knock yourself silly. He’s got an original style all his own, and if reading this Spectacular Spidey cartoon doesn’t make you laugh out loud (or LOL, as the kids say these days), better check your pulse pilgrim, cause yer in need of some serious medical attention! Merci Beaucoup to Kevin Church for posting this li’l gem for all to see! (NOTE: if your eyesite is as sorely lacking as your Uncle Stanley's, you may have to click on the image to embiggen!) 

Excelsior!

Smiley

JON FAVREAU SUITS UP FOR IRON MAN 2

ITEM! Good news, everyone! It looks like David Maisel and Marvel Studios have recovered from their brief case of Rectal-Cranial Dislocation and have closed a deal with Jon “Fan Fave” Favreau to direct Iron Man 2... at least according to Nikki Finke’s Deadline Hollywood Daily. No word yet on my bestest biddy buddy Robert Downey Jr. or if the 2010 date the studio wanted has been pushed back as Jonny-Be-Good wanted. Still, this is great news and methinks a sign that cooler heads at Marvel are prevailing. And of course all you Frantic Ones that rang out your opinions loud and clear on the Intrawebs should take a well-deserved bow as well. Congratulations, pilgrims! The Second Golden Age of Marvel is just around the corner and you helped make it happen! Watch for it!

Excelsior!

Smiley

STAN'S SOAPBOX - NOW WITH MORE OPINION AND LESS EFFORT

ITEM! It’s True Confessions time here in Soapbox-land, pilgrims. As faithful readers of this blog already know, Yours Truly doesn’t do everything around here, especially anything technical, graphical or more temporal-lobe taxing than rebooting my old Dell. Much of the web-wizardry that you see is accomplished by my adopted great-grandson, the Imitable Irving Forbush III. What you may not have know is that I have also occasionally used an anonymous co-columnist to cover for me when other obligations have kept me scripting away on pressing projects. Your Uncle Stanley taking complete credit for a collaborator's work... whatta shocker, right? In my defense, we did it Marvel Style, with me giving him the gist of what I wanted to go on and on endlessly about, and my collaborator would actually write up the occasional blog entry based on our brief “plotting session.” Usually all I had to do afterwards was a brief edit to crank the adjective count and hyperbole up to truly Stan-worthy proportions!

But this system didn't always work. A good example was this open letter blog to Marvel Studios Chair David Maisel. We both talked about how we hated the direction Daring David was heading the studio into with his recent antics, and then off my co-conspirator went to write up our “plot.” The only problem was that what he wrote didn’t exactly sound like your ol’ Uncle Stan... as much as I may have agreed with his rant. 

Well good news, Frantic Ones! I’ve finally convinced my clandestine contributor, convivial compatriot and comic-creating cohort to come clean and contribute some columns all by his cranky self. His only condition? Your Uncle Stan has to let him call ‘em as he sees ‘em. And when you read his blogs, you’ll know what he means! Who is this mysterious maverick of all things Merry and Marvel? A nebulous non-sequitur No-Prize to the first commenter who can guess his identity before his first column appears, which should be any day now. I know, I know... it’s a tall order based on the few clues given, but so is our guest columnist! So get going and start guessing, Tigers and Tigrettes! Those No-Prizes don’t grow on No-Trees, yah know!

Excelsior!

Smiley

SIDEWALK ART FOR THE MERRY MARVEL MASSES

ITEM! Apparently some enterprising art majors from the University of Washington decided to decorate the sidewalks of the Kirkland area of Seattle with some gratuitous graffiti depicting their favorite comics blog — which was Stan’s Soapbox, natch! Thanks to MMMS member-in-good-standing T. Morrow for sending this one in. Consider yourself promoted to F.F.F. (Fearless Front Facer) Mr. Morrow! After ogling  this breathtaking photo, one only has to wonder how long it will be before this craze sweeps the nation! Could some sizzling Stan’s Soapbox sideways sidewalk art in front of the White House or the Met be far behind?

Excelsior!

Smiley

...AND ALONG CAME A SPIDER-FLY!

ITEM! Speaking of Jolly Jack Kirby, look-see what Yours Truly found while unpacking some old files down in The Crypt (my hermetically-seal comics vault deep beneath stately Lee Manor). I believe this is Jack’s original design for Spider-Man before I stuck a hyphen in the name and gave the project to Ditko to do over! I musta signed off on this one before Jack turned in his legendarily rejected pages (see this Sunny Soapbox Story for more on that). It’s interesting what 45-plus years of hindsight will do for your eyes, pilgrims. This doesn’t look all that bad to me these days, though of course I stand by my editorial decision to use Sturdy Steve’s design instead. Jack’s Spider-Man was a little bit of lots of prior Simon-Kirby heroes. I can see some Sandman and Sandy, a little Fighting American, and of course some Archie-comics-style Fly in this design. And as we all know, that’s Joe Simon’s logo work that Jack had hung onto all those years.

And if Jack’s version of Spidey also looks a little Ant-Man-like, that’s no accident either. I gave Ant-Man to Jack as a consolation prize for taking him off of Spider-Man, though he protested both decisions. Yah see, Ant-Man was one of my ideas (heck I was on a whole insect-themed run back in those days). Jack told me that a hero with the power to shrink and control ants was lamer-than-lame, but I didn’t listen to him... and as usual Jack was ultimately proven right. It wasn’t the first time nor the last. Any-hoo, enjoy this little piece of unearthed apocryphal arcana. Remember Frantic Ones, you can't get the goods anywhere but here at Ol' Uncle Stanley's Soapbox & Sundries! Tell 'em your Aunt Petunia sent yah!

Excelsior!

Smiley

JACK'S BACK — AND WE GOT HIM!

ITEM! That’s right, pilgrims! Jolly Jack Kirby is back from the Great Beyond, and someday soon we may all see new art and stories from the King. At least that’s the story according to the late, lamented Weekly World News (April 16, 1996 issue). Many thanks to MMMS member-in-good-standing J. Sitwell for sending this in, which originally appeared in John “There’s Always To” Morrow’s always excellent Jack Kirby Collector (ish #13, Dec. 1996, or The Collected Jack Kirby Collector Vol. 3). Click on the image at right to embiggen it for your reading pleasure.

By my calculations, the subject of the story, 10-year-old Roger Falmaton, should be about 22 these days. It’s probably just a matter of time before he pops up at the Marvel offices with a portfolio full of even-Newer Gods or more Fantastic Fours ready to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public! The mind boggles at the possibilities! Let’s all just hope that Vince Colletta’s ghost isn’t out there somewhere teaching some poor kid how to erase penciled backgrounds!

It’s also given your Uncle Stanley a great idea. While I’m still walking around in the mortal world, I really should be auctioning off the haunting rights to my nearly-departed ghost so that the next Stan Lee can have a helping hand writing the swingingest soliloquies and creating the craziest comic characters conceptually possible in the next century! Kind of like the Ghost and Mrs. Muir only with a typewriter instead of a telescope. The floor is officially open, True Believers! I’m now accepting any and all bids to see who I’ll be haunting in the next life! The ebays probably has some kind of bizarre policy against this sort of thing, but I’ll figure something out. Avi Arad... no need for you to bid. I plan on haunting you for free anyway! 

Excelsior!

Smiley

SAMMY — HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GET WELL SOON.

THE FOUNTAINHEAD OF STEVE DITKO'S ART

ITEM! Welcome back to “Things You Must Buy At Your Local Comic Shop This Week, Part III.” Next up is the best up! Though not featuring Yours Truly per se, there’s lots to read about how ol’ Sturdy Steve and I collaborated, co-plotted and collided in Blake Bell’s scholarly study, Strange and Stranger: The Worlds of Steve Ditko!

This well-researched recount of the life and times of everyone’s favorite raconteur and randy Randian makes an ideal coffee table companion to Mark Evanier’s Kirby: King of Comics. And it’s in comparison to Madcap Mark’s Kirby book that Blake Bells’ work really shines! As much as I enjoyed Evanier’s Kirby book, it contained little that I hadn’t read, heard or seen before. Blake’s Ditko book is a much denser and more complete essay on its subject than Evanier’s. (That's review pull-out quote #42 in a series, by the way... collect 'em all! — Studious Stan) Bashful Blake really delivers the goods on Sterling Steve Ditko, including details of the Lee-Ditko collaboration that even Yours Truly had either forgotten or never knew. For example, I never knew that when Ditko quit Marvel he wrote Kirby a letter trying to get him to leave at the same time! Fascinating.

My only nits were the ones that you’d expect from an editor-type like moi. At one point in the story, Marvel apparently released a “title wave” of books onto the newsstands, which is either a typo or one really titanic pun! And speaking of titles, I kinda wish Sturdy Steve hadn’t thrown a fit and more-or-less forced Mr. Bell to change the title from his original “The Mysterious Traveler: The World of Steve Ditko.” Steve Ditko was a mysterious traveller, and Blake Bell’s doctoral dissection of the Ditko dichotomy is well worth your discretionary-income dollars! Go get this one pilgrims!

Excelsior!

Smiley

THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOST ADVENTURES!

ITEM! As if an entire magazine daringly devoted to your Uncle Stanley wasn’t enough bombastic comic bookage for one week, be sure and grab a copy of the deluxe hard-bound Fantastic Four: The Lost Adventures! In this 200-page timely tome you’ll find my re-re-dialoging of Jolly Jack Kirby’s original art for the never-published FF #103 (in which I still don’t exactly stick to his margin notes — what can I say? I’m a stinker!). Also included are John “Ring-A-Ding” Romita Jr. and Yours Truly’s Fantastic Four, The Last Adventure, and two or three other insightfully scripted past FF efforts of mine that all bear re-reading again and again! You know you’ll want to own this one, pilgrims... it’s got my name on the cover in 72 pt. type! That’s as close to a guarantee of par excellence in sequential art as you’re gonna find in this lifetime!

Excelsior!

Smiley

GET THEE TO A COMIC SHOP WRITE NOW!

ITEM! Yowsir, pilgrims! This was one good week for comics, starting with the best-of-the-best, issue #18 of TwoMorrow's Write Now! – the magazine title that you can only really use if you place it at the end of a sentence! This ish features a trembling tribute to everyone’s favorite textual titan — Yours Truly! They have testimonials on what a great guy your Uncle Stanley is from everybody from Rascally Roy Thomas to Fabulous Flo Steinberg. That Flo... what a gal! And you won’t wanna miss all the other frantic features like side-by-side comparisons of how my script completely changed Jack's intent on the Silver Surfer graphic novel, or “Stan Lee’s Top Ten Tips for Writers” (No. 1: Write about things you know. If you don’t know, Google the stuff and start learning. Or else be so vague that no one can pin you down...). I know! Normally you have to pay some University thousands of dollars for little tips and tricks like that!

There’s even a tribute from Dan Didio, whoever that is...

So what are you waiting for, sunshine? Latverian New Year? Don’t walk, don’t balk — run to your local retailer and snag this sizzling Stan-centric special before they’re all sold out! You’ll be glad you did!

Excelsior!

Smiley

AND SPEAKING OF SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION...

ITEM! Would yah believe that Yours Truly has received literally thousands of requests for a nice Stan’s Soapbox graphic that could be used to spread the word to the faithful across the bellicose blogosphere? Would you believe hundreds of requests? How ‘bout a dozen? No? Hookay then... in response to a single request from Myron Eleutherae of Oakland, California, we here at Stan’s Soapbox humbly present you with a glamorous and glitzy graphic that anyone may freely use as they see fit. Printed out on nice inkjet paper, it’s equally suitable for framing, target practice, or lining parakeet cages! Enjoy!

Excelsior!

Smiley