GALACTUS — CLEAN & SOBER IN L.A.

ITEM! As you may recall from previous Soapbox soliloquies here and here, the Big G has fallen on some heinously hard times over the last few years. Well, guess what, Heroes? It looks like the World Devourer is finally getting back up on his feet!

Last week Joanie and I decided to pull over and and grab a bite at a Southern Californian Steak ‘n Shake and lo-and-behold, who do you think greeted us at the door as the brand new assistant day shift manager? If you guessed ol’ Purple Boots, then move yourself to the head of the class, pilgrim! As he later explained while sitting with us, it seems that Galactus has gotten himself cleaned up and has entered a 12-Step program for planet-eating addicts. The G-Man said it had been over six months since he’d eaten so much as a comet, moon or planetoid, and that the last time he’d had a craving he settled for a Steak ‘n Shake triple-decker with fries and a malted instead! I have to say that he looked really good, though he was still sporting a bit of a Flintstone four o’clock shadow (see pics below).

After lunch, Joanie wished him well with his recovery, and Galactus waved us a gracious good-bye and said that if he slipped, we’d be the first to know about it. Happy Trails Big Guy!

Excelsior!

Smiley

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, PILGRIMS!

ITEM! Happy Halloween from all of us here in Soapboxland to all you True Believers, Fearless Face-Fronters, Merry Marvelites, and even the odd Brand Eccher. Be safe, double-check you candy before eating it, and remember to watch out for the occasional rogue super-villain. And be sure to check out Adamant Adam Koford's website for more of his whimsical artwork (like the Galactus cartoon above)! Have a good one, Tigers!

GALACTUS — DOWN AND OUT ON PLANET EARTH

ITEM! More troubling news and a further update on the sad state of affairs with everyone’s favorite consumer of after-dinner breath mints, Galactus. It seems that Hollywood wags have spotted the Big G coming and going from auditions to join next season’s cast of Dr, Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. We here in Soapboxland wish the World Devourer well with his recovery from addiction to the Power Cosmic and Coors Light. It’s been a long, strange trip from those heady hey-days in the mid-60s when ol’ Purple Boots first showed up in our Merry Marvel books. 

Reports recently reached me that not only was the G-Man fired from the cast of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (replaced by a CGI-animated cloud), but he’s run out of money and is flat broke as well. Apparently Galactus signed the standard Marvel work-for-hire contract that all free-lancers were required to sign back in the day, and thus he receives absolutely no royalties from the pulse-pounding plethora of Galactus-themed merchandise Marvel licenses — like this nifty Galactus coffee mug (ideal for sipping your morning cup o’ elemental energy) or this cute li’l Galactus Teddy (see pics). Let’s all do our part pilgrims, and keep the World Devourer in our thoughts! ‘Nuff Said!

Excelsior!

Smiley

DEVOURER OF WORLDS HITS HARD TIMES — STARTS DOING THE CONVENTION CIRCUIT

ITEM! Hard times — it happens to the best of us. Just ask Nick Nolte or my bestest biddy-buddy Robert Downey Jr.. Looks like the Devourer of Worlds and everyone’s least favorite all-you-can-eat buffet companion has finally hit rock bottom! News reached me just this weekend that Galactus was seen signing autographs at Mid-Ohio Con in Columbus, Ohio. It just breaks my heart to see the scourge of the Skrull Empire and sentients across the universe squeaking by like this on convention appearance money. Bet they put him up at the local Motel 6, too.

Apparently the Big G’s long-tall fall started back when he was replaced by a CGI cloud in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Director Tim Story later claimed that it was an artistic decision to replace ol’ Purple Boots with computer effects, but the tabloids all reported that it was really because he was constantly showing up late on the set or without his lines memorized. Next thing anyone knew the Big Guy was seen hanging out at Britney Spears’ compound. She’s like what? 1/576,000,000th his age? Even now, with a Silver Surfer movie in pre-production, the studio won’t take his calls. How the mighty have fallen! Gimme a call, G. Maybe it's not too late to get you into Secret Invasion.

Excelsior!

Smiley

MARVEL MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS

ITEM! Your Uncle Stanley hates to feel left out of anything, so in honor of bellicose bloggers Chris "Simply" Sims and Kevin "Why Aren't You In" Church, Yours Truly humbly submits the following ersatz entry:

Excelsior!

Smiley