Wednesday, April 30, 2008


ITEM! Way back when, King Kirby and your Uncle Stan used to take turns seeing who could cram the most gadgets into Iron Man’s invincible armor. Jolly Jack usually won those contests, but I held my own. Rocket-powered roller skates? That one was mine. Well, mine and Wile E. Coyote’s. Interestingly, some of these gadget-inventing-contests took place over 3-martini-lunches at the Seawane Club in New York. Things got, shall we say, creative. There’s probably still some waitress there who thinks her name is Pepper Potts.

So last year while enjoying a liquid lunch with Iron Man Director Jon-Boy Favreau, I told him that story and we started the game up again. One pitcher of Long Island Teas later and we’d managed to come up with quite a luminary list. Mind you, at least two of these ingenious go-go-gadgets actually make an appearance in the Iron Man movie! A special Armor-Alled Adamantium-Plated No-Prize to the first Frantic One who correctly guesses which two! So without further ado... Lee-Favreau present:

The Top 10 Unknown Gadgets in Iron Man’s Armor

10. Lycra-Unstable Molecular weave for inner body sock, so that all the important parts can breathe and stretch.

9. Audio-In jack for iPod Nano.

8. On-Star security system with remote boot-jet ignition service.

7. Cellular phone jammer for those annoying people who won’t shut off their cell-phones in movie theaters.

6. Infra-Red Heat-Seeking Mini-Missiles for those same annoying people who bring their screaming one-year-olds to the movies.

5. Stark International’s complimentary wine and beer service.

4. The Playboy Channel, for those long, lonely intercontinental flights.

3. Two words: “oil can.”

2. Teeny-tiny fuzzy dice miniaturized with Pym Particles that swing in front of eye slits.

1. There’s no pretty way to say this — so we won’t — but when you gotta go, you gotta go! Yah, that’s built in too.



Anonymous said...

Salutations oh Smilin' Stan! My guess is that parts 6 and 1 made it in to the movie, though all would be fine additions.

Stan the Man said...

Good guess, imd85! May I call you "85"? Well 85, though you are probably quite correct in so far as what features Tony Stark actually had to incorporate into the suit for... um... emergencies, shall we say, only features 8 (remote computer-controlled jet boot ignition) and 6 (mini-missiles) were shown in the movie. If you freeze frame the POV shots after Iron Man comes out on DVD, you might be able to see the tiny fuzzy dice inside the helmet!

But don't fret! Even though you didn't win a coveted No-Prize, you have still earned your honorary rank of Q.N.S. (Quite 'Nuff Sayer). Wear it proudly, pilgrim!


Anonymous said...

Wow. Though the prestigious "No-Prize" yet eludes me, to recieve the rank of QNS from you fills this geek with incredible pride. I've been a Merry Marvel Maniac since I was knee high to a Badoon, so I will proudly display my new status wherever I can. It's sure to raise a few eyebrows at the bank. Keep up the blog Smiley, it's become the highlight of my day.

Ian M. Davison, Q.N.S.