SECRET INVASION, NOT-SO-SECRET PLOT-HOLES

ITEM! You’d think that Joey “Mad Dog” Quesada would call the Smiling One up once in awhile and solicit some of my 67-years-in-the-biz experience and advice before he goes off on these massively misjudged editorial misfires, like the so-called Secret Invasion multi-title story arc. 

According to this predictably pedantic premise, it will be suddenly revealed that unbeknownst to us rabid readers, several Merry Marvel Heroes have secretly been shape-changing Skrulls plotting the take-over of planet earth. No really — that’s the whole idea. You know, I liked this plot the first time I read it, in, I don’t know... Fantastic Four #2 (1962, by Yours Truly and the great Jack Kirby).

But R.F.O.’s (Real Frantic Ones) who have read the whole 102-issue Lee-Kirby run of the FF will notice that we only actually used the Skrulls as villains about four times, three of those appearances in the early run of the book. Why? Because even your sometimes seemingly senile Uncle Stanley understands the inherently inevitable story-logic problem with using a highly advanced race of shape-changing antagonists: they would roll right over us, pilgrim! How many times can even our cosmic-ray powered quartet manage to defeat an entire interstellar civilization of manic metamorphs? Not many, True Believer, before it becomes painfully obvious to even the most naive naysayer that the good guys are going to win no matter what. And when that happens, when the reader’s suspension of disbelief is senselessly shattered, then all the drama gets sucked right out of the story quicker than a prune juice smoothy going through Aunt May.

Joe, Joe, Joe... this isn’t rocket science, yah know. This is basic storytelling 101. I’ve unblocked your number on the Spider-Phone. Give your Uncle Stanley a call. If I could dialogue FF #91, then I can probably help you pave over this horrendously hideous plot-hole you've dug for yourself.

Excelsior!

Smiley